Why I stopped being “A GOOD GIRL”
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My story
When I was a young girl, I had dreams and ambitions. Right or wrong, I wasn’t afraid to share them with my parents or friends. I decided to work hard, stand out, and aim high. One evening, while studying for my final exams, my dad made a comment that has stuck with me to this day: “Why are you studying so hard? You’ll only be a housewife anyway.” Despite this, I became the top student in my class and got into the best school in town. That moment sparked my decision to rebel against such limiting expectations.
Growing up, I noticed that girls are often raised differently than boys. While some differences are justified—acknowledging that we are unique but not less—many limitations placed on girls are unfair. I’m a big supporter of women embracing vulnerability when needed, such as after having babies. However, most of the time, we are strong and have earned our place in the spotlight.
The Good girl Myth
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know the patriarchy has wanted woman to stay at home and bear children and be good girls forever – aka YES women with little or no option but to agree and submit. The myth lies in the idea that we were created to be compliant and quiet – unlike men – as opposed to strong and capable.
The Cost of Being a Good Girl
This price that women pay to be good girls is not insignificant. It also has a wider consequence for society: a society in which everyone is stuck in reassuringly restrictive roles is missing out on the creation of a balanced world in which a harmonious blend of masculine power and feminine vulnerability would enable greater and more sustainable flourishing.
Reclaiming Power
Stop Apologizing It is time to reclaim our power and stop apologizing for things beyond our control. When kids get sick and you have to care for them, stop apologizing (I know that you were still working at midnight because you felt guilty). When your kids already had chicken nuggets twice this week because you had late meetings and didn’t manage to do food shopping this week, stop apologizing.
Instead, celebrate your ability to adapt and raise resilient children. Replace apologies with gratitude: say: “Thank you for waiting and “Thank you for your patience” . Embrace your strength and stop feeling guilty for doing your best.
Stop People Pleasing: we will stop the cycle of people-pleasing and learn to say “no” when appropriate. It’s crucial to set boundaries and prioritize our own well-being. Saying “no” isn’t about being uncooperative; it’s about valuing our time and energy. By doing so, we make room for what truly matters and empower ourselves to live authentically.
Instead, clearly express your needs and boundaries without gilt. For instance, instead of saying “I’m sorry, I can’t help with this”, say “I can’t help with this right now, but I can assist you later.”
Stop putting yourself last: It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes without guilt. Taking care of your needs first allows you to show up better for others when you can. Don’t wait until “your glass is empty”, look after yourself.
The “good girl” conditioning teaches you to constantly defer to others, but you deserve to prioritize yourself too. Shedding the need to always be humble or self-sacrificing creates space for self-respect and confidence.
Stop Downplaying Your Accomplishments: Stop brushing off praise or minimizing your successes, own them fully. Downplaying achievements often stems from deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and beliefs that you’ll never be “good enough.” Break this negative cycle.
When you receive a compliment, resist deflecting it with self-deprecating comments. Simply say “Thank you” and allow yourself to feel proud. Intentionally acknowledge your wins, no matter how small. At the end of each day, reflect on a few things you accomplished.
Stop Waiting for Permission: Stop seeking endless approval and validation from others before pursuing your dreams. But whose permission are you really waiting for?
Instead of delaying and making excuses, give yourself permission to go after what you want. Identify the insecurities or fears holding you back, and confront them head on.
Stop Waiting for Someone to Save you, Save Yourself: Stop waiting for someone else to validate your worth or provide opportunities, take control of your own life and future. When it comes to your education and career, don’t sit idly hoping a mentor or benefactor will swoop in and pave the way for you.
Identify the skills, knowledge, and qualifications you need to achieve your goals, and go after them proactively. Pursue educational opportunities, training programs, certifications or degrees that will make you competitive in your desired field. Don’t wait for someone to hand these to you – take the initiative to invest in yourself.
Stop Being Humble: When taken to the extreme, false humility is sometimes rooted in nagging insecurity or unshakeable feelings that you’ll never be ‘good enough’ in the eyes of your peers, family or yourself. The good news is that this defeating cycle is self-reinforcing. Shift your focus to celebrating and commending your successes before defaulting to the same old train of thought that dwells on what you’ve left undone. Intentionally look for your own empowering successes – celebrate your wins, no matter how small.
Telling the truth about your wonderful accomplishments can lead to bigger, bolder goals and challenges. You don’t need more or more frequent validation. Give yourself permission to be great, do great work and get things done. Once you discard the burdensome remnants of false humility, you’ll open yourself to healthy self-confidence and joyful, public celebrations and affirmations. Imagine putting your talents into the world without restraint, without holding back and without apology.
Comments (11)
Khush
June 11, 2024 at 11:21 pm
Yes I agree with you prioritizing yourself is so important. Everything comes next after your own growth, taking care or doing things according to your interests. So well explained loved reading your post.
Clarice
June 12, 2024 at 3:41 am
I’m glad to grow up in an environment that is empowers women both at home and in school. I agree with you that it’s about time that we all learn how to prioritize our own growth without feeling guilty.
monmon
June 16, 2024 at 4:22 pm
Yeah, however I will admit that to manage grow humans, giving birth, bringing them up and be bread winner is very hard.
Lenora
June 12, 2024 at 12:24 pm
I need this post. I’m so glad I read it. My jaw dropped at what your father said to you. I’m a wife and mom and I got through a lot of these things. The part about stop being humble!! Spoke to me for sure. Thanks for sharing this. ❤️
monmon
June 16, 2024 at 4:19 pm
We need to break the cycle of bringing up the girls that way! Loads have changed since my parents were parents.
Pradnya
June 13, 2024 at 4:29 am
Amazing article! I too grew up with the conditioning of getting married one day and being a housewife. Over the years I have realised that unless I take care of myself I can’t be there for others. What resonated with me the most is to stop apologising for living your life!
monmon
June 16, 2024 at 4:15 pm
Glad you can resonate with the article. I am trying to break the cycle with my daughter and not condition her the same way as I was.
Nicole S
June 15, 2024 at 1:23 pm
Good read! A great reminder that I need to stop apologizing!!
monmon
June 16, 2024 at 4:12 pm
I still need to remind that myself every day.
Alex
June 15, 2024 at 8:47 pm
I really enjoyed reading your experience, great writing
Hikmah
June 18, 2024 at 2:21 pm
I really agree with you, do you, not what others want you to do.
Comments are closed